14. Still Parenting: When Your ADHD Child Is 40
ADHD is persistent: an ADoutgrow ADHD, no matter how old they get.
Maybe you thought the storm would calm once your ADHD child reached adulthood. But here they are in middle age, still wrestling with the same issues that marked adolescence: missed deadlines, relationship blowups, job instability and frequent impulsive decisions.
Now the challenge is different: learning to help without rescuing, and to support without enabling them. Parenting doesn't stop when they turn18, it just changes gears.
ADHD doesn't fade with age β it changes. The overt hyperactivity of childhood turns into restlessness. Executive function problems such as planning, prioritizing and self regulation are still in full force as problem areas. But midlife brings new pressures β career stagnation, divorce, financial instability and sometimes addiction. Sometimes there's also a lot of shame and avoidance as they compare themselves to peers who seem to have βgot it together.β As the parent, you have to understand that ADHD is a developmental delay in self-regulation, not a character flaw or a behavior problem. The brain's executive networks mature more slowly, and for some they never fully catch up to those of their non-ADHD peers.
Work is a major challenge for adults with ADHD. They can be brilliant under pressure, but inconsistent. Over time, they miss deadlines, they are over sensitive to criticism and feedback feels like rejection. Many may bounce from job to job, unable to manage boredom or frustration. On the other hand, ADHDers are frequently creative and incredibly good at problem-solving. The best scenario is if they are in a job that will accept their difficulties with consistency and time management in exchange for their brilliance at problem-solving and creativity.
ADHDers often have problems with relationships. They have frequent divorces and lots of casual relationships. Their impulsivity, poor emotional control and forgetfulness will frequently stress a relationship. Often, their partners will feel like they are parenting an extra child and that frequently breeds resentment. As a parent of one of these ADHD adults, your job is tricky. These are adults and you really canβt be involved in their adult relationships. You have to remain calm and in control. I highly recommend you encourage therapy, especially couples counseling with therapists who understand ADHD. Empathy helps you but as a parent of an adult, you need to stay in your lane.
Another issue of adults with ADHD is difficulties with substance abuse. An adult with ADHD is significantly more likely than a non-ADHDl adult to have difficulties with drugs and/or alcohol. Many adults use alcohol, marijuana and even stronger drugs to manage mood swings and deal with distress.These are short-term fixes and over time frequently worsen attention, motivation and judgment. As a parent, you're in a tricky situation. You should be aware and alert for the signs of substance abuse. The key for you in this situation is to be direct without shaming. This is frequently very difficult to achieve. Speak plainly, offer options and resources, but not ultimatums. The most difficult part of this is you don't have authority or control over your adult child. Support groups are very important, and Alcoholics Anonymous is still the most frequently used treatment modality. It's been around since the 1930s. Your ADHDer should have a physician who is familiar with both substance abuse and ADHD. You are in the difficult position of having to encourage treatment without blaming, and showing compassion without appearing to be approving.
When your ADHD children are adults, your options are more restricted. You can't discipline or punish. You can't dictate. You have to depend on empathy and realistic encouragement. Celebrate small wins. Don't get over-involved in situations you can't control.
It always concerns me that most writers and experts in ADHD spend all their time talking about the child but not about the parents. Parenting ADHDers is a very stressful job which often doesn't get easier with age. We all have our concerns, regrets, guilt and sometimes shame from our experiences as a parent. If you have a middle-aged adult child, they were probably born before ADHD was even a diagnosis. At that time, we did not have much knowledge about ADHD, so you were left to your own devices. You basically had to do the best you could, without knowing exactly what was going on. Accept the possibility that you may need a therapist of your own to help you with this tough task. You can love them deeply and still protect your own health and mental stability.
Parenting an adult with ADHD is like a marathon. It doesn't end quickly, so you have to be tougher than the average parent. It is vitally important that you continue learning about ADHD and about maintaining your personal, emotional and physical health. You have to develop patience and you have to establish boundaries.
Thanks for reading and let's make the world safe for ADHD!
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Coping with ADHD as a parent and/or an ADHDer yourself presented by a neuropsychologist who is also the parent of two ADHD kids and married into an ADHD family.
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