9. ADHD Parenting: Positivity Needed

Parenting an ADHD child is difficult, but it’s important to be aware of how our negativity affects them. We have discussed behavior monitoring in terms of what is my favorite bad emotion and hopefully this has been an important discovery for everyone in this ADHD world. But equally important - and often not mentioned -  is the ratio of positive to negative comments. I have mentioned several times that the average ADHD child gets approximately 70 negative comments every day and that by age 12, they have received 20,000 more negative comments than a neurotypical (non-ADHD) child. As an ADHD parent, you will be way more effective in dealing with your child if you are not always seen as just “the enforcer.” If you are also a source of praise or positive reinforcement, your child will tend to respond more positively to you in return and their behavior will improve.

The research basis for the utility of positive reinforcement comes from industrial psychology and a series of studies done by an Argentine mathematician and an American industrial psychologist studying reinforcement patterns in an office. The results of this research is called “The Losoda Ratio.” Their research established the ideal ratio of positive to negative feedback at four positives for every one critical comment. This tended to make for the most efficient office or job site. Further research established that there are some other situations where the same ratio applies certainly with adults, but they're also some situations where the ratio under-represents the importance of positive psychology. For instance, and dealing with a spouse, it is important that your ratio of positive to negative comments be approximately six to one. For a child who has been getting an inordinate amount of criticism, the ratio is probably even higher.

When you do behavioral observation on yourself, you probably will be surprised that you hardly ever praise your child. You're constantly on the lookout for when something's going wrong and trying to offer corrections. This is still a negative interaction and it has an impact on your child. The lack of much positive reinforcement leads to your child developing a negative self-concept and a tendency to give up when the going gets tough. This is the opposite of the resilience development that we know is the most important thing for your ADHD child to develop. The atmosphere is predominantly negative, predominantly offering corrections and predominantly suggesting that what they are doing is not good enough. It is important for you to do behavioral observation on yourself and find out exactly how much positive reinforcement you're providing. It is likely that this will be somewhat surprising to you. I know when I was a young father, I was always more focused on what wasn't quite up to standard in their behavior rather than looking for opportunities to praise.

With an ADHD child, it is even more important to find opportunities to praise, find opportunities to be positive, and find opportunities to be encouraging. At first, it is likely to feel somewhat uncomfortable to be giving praise and remember when you're giving praise, that you want to be giving probably about eight positive comments for every negative comment or criticism. This could be tricky  especially when you're not used to emphasizing positive comments. Most of us were trained with criticism and most of us think that our job is to find the problem aspects of our kids and correct those problems before they become worse. But the truth of the matter is that people respond better - all people respond better - to positive comments than they do to criticism or suggestions for improvement. So if all people respond better to positive reinforcement, imagine what it's like for a child who gets an inordinate amount of criticism every day from pretty much every adult and his or her life. You want to set your role with your child as someone who is a positive influence and someone who is on their side.

This doesn't make you an ineffectual parent. You will likely be surprised at how much more positive your relationship with your child becomes if you start focusing on the positive things you see your child doing. Some parents have the idea that if they are positive, their children will not pay attention to them. This is a variation on the old "spare the rod and spoil the child" mindset. Not only has this never been true, but it harkens back to the time at the turn of the last century when a right of passage for an adolescent male was getting into a fight with dad and winning. This supposedly meant that he was now a “man.” 

Modern science, particularly psychology, tells us that people respond better to positive reinforcement. We all do. We all get that little warm feeling and become way happier, and we also want to please more when somebody praises us. Even animal trainers recognize this principle. I have an acquaintance who trains dogs to do agility trials. That's where they run up ramps and jump off of things and wiggle through pipes and other obstacles. She said that she never punished her dogs when she was training them because when you punish, you never know what you're good at and what kind of weird behavior you're going to get from them. 

So start paying attention to your ratio of positive to negative comments with your children. The results may surprise you. You will likely find that more positive comments by you will lead to better behavior from your children.

Thanks for reading and let's make the world safe for ADHD!

Visit my website at terrygingrasphd.com to learn more about Dr. G and my ADHD coaching services. 

Feel free to give me a call  to see if coaching is something you want to do. 

DrG