10ADHD Parenting: Keeping It All Equal

How do we keep everything equal in a family where one child has ADHD and another doesn’t have ADHD?

Frequently, in ADHD families, not all of the children have ADHD. But frequently the ADHD child gets the bulk of the attention because of a number of negative characteristics such as poor school performance, poor impulse control and a whole lot of attention from teachers, coaches and neighbors. Add to that the extra doctors appointments and very possibly psychotherapy perhaps including family therapy and you find a whole lot of the family time is spent on the ADHD child. This leaves the parents with little time and probably little energy to deal with the Neurotypical child.

I know in my own family, my ADHD child sucked up practically all of my attention. Only the fact that his big brother was a very good athlete helped him kind of balance the amount of attention that was parceled out. I know in my therapy practice, it was very frequent that the neurotypical (non-ADHD) child was extremely frustrated and felt ignored. They frequently found ways to get even with their ADHD Sibling, especially their difficulties with emotional regulation. A neurotypical child who is a pretty good observer can easily figure out how exactly to get an emotional rise from his ADHD brother or sister. For the parents, all you see is that the ADHD child is screaming his or her head off and the neurotypical child is off to the side and smiling smugly. This is a problematic situation and one that you have to be first aware of.Then, make some extra effort to do something about it.

It is important that the neurotypical child gets attention for what he or she does well, independent of the ADHD child. This must be a conscious effort of the parents. They need to actually schedule time and particular activities that only involve the neurotypical child.This should mostly involve activities instead of buying things. Physical possessions tend to be constant reminders that the neurotypical child has received something extra. This would likely trigger a powerful negative response in your ADHD child. 

It's important as a parent of an ADHD child and a neurotypical child that you are conscious of how much time and attention is spent on each child. It's important to try to balance your time between the two children. The first step is to pay attention to the amount of time you spend with each child. As I’ve said before, it's important to do a lot of behavioral monitoring if you're the parent of an ADHD child. This monitoring should not just be monitoring the ADHD child's behavior, but also monitoring your own behavior and how much time you're spending with each child. Balancing it will lead to a more comfortable environment and happier family life.

Thanks for reading and let's make the world safe for ADHD!

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DrG