32: ADHD: Resilience Requires Intact Self-worth

One of the greatest threats to the development of resilience in an ADHD child is the amount of criticism they receive. It has been estimated that the average ADHD child receives 70 critical comments every day, so that by the time they are 12, they have received 12,000 more critical comments than the average neurotypical (non-ADHD) child! This has a major impact on how they see themselves and what their identity is.

“You forgot” becomes “you’re irresponsible.”
“That didn’t work” becomes “you never listen.”
“Slow down” becomes “what’s wrong with you?”

When their self-worth is in danger, resilience collapses.

Children will tolerate effort and failure if their sense of self-worth remains intact. But when mistakes feel personal, effort becomes dangerous. Why try if failing confirms a negative identity?

Parents rarely intend this shift from their child thinking of themselves as competent and worthwhile to thinking of themselves as lazy and stupid. Their criticism of the ADHD child grows out of stress and fear—fear about school performance, independence, or long-term outcomes. Under this sort of worry and concern, language and tone sharpen and get shrill. Feedback moves from objective to criticism and blaming.

The nervous system hears the difference immediately.

The parent needs to have an understanding of what is going on with their ADHD child. ADHD is not a character flaw. Executive dysfunction is not a moral flaw. Emotional intensity is not manipulation. When these distinctions blur, children internalize shame and disengage.

Separating the child’s identity from his or her behavior does not mean lowering expectations. It means anchoring expectations to skills and supports, not personality traits. “This strategy didn’t work” invites problem-solving. “You don’t care” or “you’re not trying” shuts it down.

This separation between identity and behavior applies to parenting as well. When a parent sees their child’s struggles as a measure of parenting competence, adults overcorrect or withdraw. Overcontrol communicates lack of trust in the child’s ability. Withdrawal communicates frustration and hopelessness. Neither builds resilience.

Understanding that ADHD is a neurological condition and that your child is doing the best he or she can will give your child the best chance to build resilience.

Children who know they are fundamentally okay—even when struggling—stay engaged longer. They argue less. They recover faster. They are willing to try again.

That willingness is resilience taking shape.

Takeaway

Children can recover from mistakes. They cannot recover from chronic shame. Protecting identity and self-worth is essential to resilience.

Practical Exercise

For one week, eliminate identity-based language. Replace:

• “You always…”

• “You never…”

With:

• “This time…”

• “Right now…”

Notice how defensiveness drops and engagement increases.

Thanks for reading and let's make the world safe for ADHD!

Visit my website at terrygingrasphd.com to learn more about Dr. G and my ADHD coaching services. 

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DrG